


Seven Stages Of Grief

by bloopy



Series: Kitagawa Daiichi Family [7]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Depression, Eventual Happy Ending, Gen, Hospitals, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, Major Character Injury
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-18
Updated: 2021-01-18
Packaged: 2021-03-16 20:29:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,804
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28837086
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bloopy/pseuds/bloopy
Summary: There are seven stages of grief that people experience following a loss. Some experience them almost all at once, while others take much longer. Kageyama was one of the others.
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime & Kageyama Tobio, Kageyama Miwa & Kageyama Tobio, Kageyama Tobio & Kindaichi Yuutarou & Kunimi Akira, Kageyama Tobio & Oikawa Tooru
Series: Kitagawa Daiichi Family [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2086242
Comments: 10
Kudos: 132





	Seven Stages Of Grief

Pain.

That was all he could feel.

Unable to distinguish between his arms and legs.

His vision swam as his head pounded.

He couldn’t see properly.

Everything was blurry.

He heard voices?

Crying.

His body felt wet.

It _hurt._

_Everything hurt_.

There was a flashing of blue and red and new voices.

The pressure on his hand was gone.

Shifting.

Being lifted onto something much softer.

More crying. This time it sounded like it came from him.

Then

Silence.

* * *

_Beep. Beep. Beep._

The first thing he heard, was an unwavering sound. It was steady and rhythmic. Like an alarm but not an alarm. Slowly, his other senses started to come back.

Smell. It smelled sharp-like the smell of the spray that was used to clean wounds.

Touch. It felt like many layers wrapped around him. It felt…suffocating. There was even something on his face.

Taste. His mouth felt dry. Like he hadn’t had anything to eat in a week.

Hearing. Other than the incessant beeping sound….it was quiet. Almost unnaturally quiet.

Sight. He tried to open his eyes. It felt like there were weights on them. After a couple of attempts, he managed to open his eyes.

It was white-almost blindingly so. After a couple of blinking attempts, he managed to make out a plain white ceiling. That’s funny…The ceiling in his room was never this high.

The pain began to come back as the fuzziness in his head began to recede. The exhaustion hit him like a wave and he almost slipped back to sleep. Before he could, he slowly moved his head to the right.

Miwa.

What was Miwa doing here?

As he tried to speak, he realized he couldn’t get a word out. Looking down his chin, he noticed a tube.

There was a tube…..sticking out of his throat.

His breathing began to speed up. Why was there a tube sticking out of his throat? What was going on? Were those _casts_ on his limbs?

The beeping began to grow louder causing Miwa to wake up.

“Tobio! Tobio no you have to calm down! It’s okay you’re okay!” She began to wave her arms frantically, too scared to touch him as tears began to pool in her eyes.

There was commotion as a team of nurses burst in the room and when Kageyama was still unable to calm down, one of the nurses injected a liquid in his IV and he felt himself slipping back into a dreamless sleep.

* * *

The second time, Kageyama woke up a lot faster than the first time. He opened his eyes and turned to the side, where Miwa was now reading something on her laptop. He glanced downwards again, and to his relief, there was no more tube sticking out of his throat.

He cleared his throat. “Miwa.” Kageyama internally winced at how weak and croaky his voice sounded, but almost as if she was expecting him to speak, she immediately glanced up and brightened up at the site of him.

“Tobio! Oh Tobio..” she rushed over and immediately cupped his cheek causing Kageyama to subconsciously lean into the touch. Her other hand reached out and got him a glass of water that she slowly tipped into his mouth. The coolness was refreshing, causing more energy to slowly enter his body.

“Miwa..” he tried speaking again and was pleased to find that his voice sounded slightly better.

“What happened?”

Her eyes darkened and instead of answering, she asked a question of her own. “How much do you remember?”

Kageyama paused for a second, trying to wrack his brain for any clue. Unfortunately he came up blank.

“The last thing I remember was having breakfast at training camp.” He inhaled sharply, a sudden worry overcoming him.

“Is everyone else okay? Was there a horrible accident?” he felt himself beginning to hyperventilate again.

“No! No there was no accident. You were the only one injured. You fell off a rock and some other boys in the team called an ambulance.”

That was odd. Kageyama wracked his head trying to think of what may have happened to make him climb a rock in the first place but came up with nothing. His sister noticed his struggle and shook her head softly.

“Don’t worry about it Tobio. The doctor will be coming soon but the nurses told me I can help you try to sit up. Would you like that?” he nodded gratefully.

She slowly pressed the toggles on the side of the bed to shift it into a sitting positioning, and after some rearranging of pillows, Kageyama was finally able to get a proper look at his body…..it wasn’t pretty.

His left leg was covered in a large cast up to his thigh while his right leg was only wrapped in bandages and a brace with some bruises sticking out. His left wrist was held by a brace, but his right looked mostly fine, which gave him an indication of what side he fell on. There were IVs attached to both arms connecting them to bags of various colored fluids, not to mention wires and tubes sticking out all over the place that he didn’t want to think about right now.

He asked for a mirror and when his sister found a small mirror in her bag, she held it up for him to see himself. He let out a slight gasp. His face had several yellowish green bruises, especially on the left side, and his head was wrapped in bandages. Kageyama tried to flex his shoulders but noticed that the left one was also in a brace. Before he could begin to process all this new information, the door opened, and the doctor walked in.

He was a young man with a bright smile to match his bright yellow hair. Kageyama almost felt like he had to squint and look away from the cheerfulness he brought with him. His name was Doctor Kazemaru and he began to speak, but Kageyama zoned out once he started to describe his injuries and what they did to help, only zoning back in when he asked if Kageyama had any questions.

“When can I play volleyball again?”

The doctor sent a quick look to his sister who had now put her face in her hands, unable to face her little brother. Kageyama felt nervous. Finally, the doctor opened his mouth and with a voice dripping with pity, he said:

“I’m sorry.”

Stage 1) Shock and denial.

The doctor kept speaking, but Kageyama heard nothing. His head felt like he was underwater. How? How was he unable to play volleyball anymore? He was only 15! 15-year-olds weren’t supposed to stop playing! He wanted to play in high school! He wanted to make his grandpa proud! He….he wanted…..

Miwa noticed that Kageyama was beginning to lose himself. She thanked the doctor quickly and after he left, she walked up to her little brother. She didn’t know what was scarier, the fact that Kageyama had fallen off a cliff, or the fact that his face was completely emotionless right now.

Finally, she reached out to touch him. The second her hand made contact with his shoulder, it was like a switch flipped on in him.

“He's wrong! Miwa he's wrong!” Miwa felt her heart break a little more, as her brother choked between his tears, trying to make sense of what had just happened. There was nothing she could do, except lean his head into her chest, and hold him just a little tighter.

After his sobbing quieted down and he seemed calmer, Miwa excused herself to go to the bathroom and freshen up, having not had a shower in the 8 days Kageyama was in the hospital, because she wanted to be there the second her little brother woke up. Meanwhile, Kageyama watched his sister walk out the door, and began to assess what he had just heard.

“He said I can't play anymore. He's wrong. I’ll show him that he's wrong. I can still play. I just need to get better first, that’s all!” Kageyama nodded resolutely as he felt himself drifting back to sleep.

Over the next few days, the hospital deemed him well enough to start slowly transitioning to solid foods again. They called him ‘extremely lucky’ that his limbs bore most of the damage so that not too much stuff was messed up inside his body or his head. Kageyama rolled his eyes when a nurse said that. He was bruised all over and he couldn’t even get up to pee! He had to pee in a tube, and it was the most embarrassing thing ever, especially with his sister in the room! At least the pain was becoming more tolerable now.

One day, a couple of days after he had woken up officially, his sister paused in between typing something on her laptop and looked up brightly.

“Oh Kageyama! I forgot to let you know. The doctors said that because all you need now is a lot of rest, we can go home soon. Also your teammates have been wanting to stop by but you’re always asleep. If you want, I can give them my-”

“No!” he exclaimed quickly. His face began to burn in shame. He didn’t want Kunimi and Kindaichi to see him like this…not when he was so broken. His sister got a funny look on her face.

“Well….alright if you're sure. They were really worried about you. I think they were with you when you fell. How about I tell them they're free to come visit at home whenever we can go back if you don’t want them to see you at the hospital.”

Kageyama thought about it for a second, before nodding his assent, knowing that even if things were a bit tense between him and his friends right now, they wouldn’t stop until they saw him at least once. Hopefully by then, he would be able to assure them that he will be able to return to volleyball soon-maybe not in time for interhigh but definitely for spring nationals.

Kageyama snorted softly, the one good thing about this situation was he didn’t have to go to school for the next few weeks at the very least, which meant he could do his work at home and not have to deal with any stares and whispers at school. Although….it was pretty boring in the hospital. He sighed as he tried to do some of the wrist exercises that the doctor recommended for his right hand, clenching and unclenching the blankets. Finally, as he was about to ask his sister something else, the doctor walked in.

“Hello Kageyama! How are we feeling today!”

“Bored.”

Doctor Kazemaru laughed. He was secretly pleased that the boy had seemed to get over his grief at not doing sports anymore fairly quickly. This would definitely speed up the recovery process.

“Alright well I have some news for you. We’re going to take you in to do some scans today, especially on that left leg of yours, and then depending on what we find, you may be able to go home tomorrow or the day after!”

Kageyama felt a grin break out on his face. Finally! This was good. The sooner he could go home and get these stupid, itchy, casts off, the sooner he could go back to volleyball.

* * *

True to the doctor’s word, later that day, the nurses came and wheeled his bed to another part of the hospital. They had to inject his body with some sort of dye that would apparently make his insides easier to see. Kageyama figured that he should stop zoning out when medical things about his body were being explained, but he found it too boring to try and pay attention.

They led him into an MRI machine, and he got to listen to music for 40 minutes while trying very hard to stay still. Unfortunately, staying still while having very itchy casts was a lot harder than it sounded. When the 40 minutes were up and he was told he could move again, Kageyama had never felt so relieved.

After he was brought back to his room and had dinner with Miwa, the doctor returned with his bright grin.

“Good news!”

“We can go home?” asked Miwa, unable to contain her excitement.

“Yup! Tomorrow you’ll be discharged. And we’ll be able to switch that large cast on your leg to a knee brace with a smaller cast. After all, that left knee of yours was what was hurt the most. Your right arm is also healed up nicely so that won’t need a brace anymore either. We’ll keep the brace on your shoulder for another week though, just to be safe. Unfortunately, both your left arm and right leg will need braces for a little longer.”

Kageyama frowned at that last part. This meant it would take longer than he thought to be able to get back on the court, but he was still confident he could be fine by spring nationals. The doctor went over some tips about taking care of his casts and some medication for the pain, but Miwa was writing it all down, so Kageyama zoned out and began to think about that glorious moment, when he could finally return to playing.

* * *

The return home was a lot more anticlimactic than Kageyama expected. Miwa had gone while he was sleeping last night and moved most of his stuff to the guest room downstairs because there was no way he was going to be able to get up the steps. After settling him on the couch, she went to make dinner.

When Miwa reentered the living room, she saw her brother asleep on the couch. Sighing fondly, she put a blanket over his shoulders and covered the food for later.

At night, the first major problem occurred. Kageyama got up with a distinct urge to pee. Unfortunately with his shoulder still not fully working, his attempt of trying to push himself into his wheelchair like he’d been taught, didn’t work.

“AAGGH!” he shouted, unable to contain himself as he slipped off the bed and landed on his right leg. Miwa burst into his room, with a frantic look in his eyes and after switching on the lights to see what had happened, brought him onto the chair and gave him a glare.

“Tobio! What were you trying to do!”

Kageyama avoided her gaze. “I wanted to use the bathroom.” He said softly as his face burned red.

Miwa sighed deeply. “Alright. Well now that we’ve established that you can't do that move again, I think until your shoulder and arm brace come off….I’ll move a futon in here to be on the safe side.”

Kageyama groaned. Miwa was a good sister for staying to take care of him, but he didn’t want to be hovered over 24/7! He chanced a look at his sister as she moved to push his chair and noticed….she looked really tired. The bags under her eyes were prominent, and her hair that she normally took such good care of was unbrushed and wild. Kageyama felt a stab of guilt that it was his fault she was like this. The guilt was quickly dispersed when she gave him a warm smile and put him at ease.

* * *

A week and a half later, his shoulder and arm braces were off and the bruises on his face were mostly gone. This gave him more freedom but unfortunately, meant that Miwa now kept pestering him about having his friends over. He didn’t know why, but whenever he tried to think about Kindaichi and Kunimi, or even what had happened to him, he got an uneasy feeling that caused him to change the topic in his head immediately.

Unfortunately, its harder to change what you’re thinking about when you have a nightmare. The better Kageyama got, the worse the nightmares did too. Nightmares about falling….about pain….sometimes the nightmares were of someone else like Miwa falling instead and having to watch their body get thrown down a mountain like a limp doll.

He knew Miwa got nightmares too, she was just better at hiding it. He didn’t figure it out until one day, not too long after they had gone back home, when he was awake at night due to the stupid cast being itchy, he heard whimpering from her futon. Suddenly, she shot up and immediately turned to him as he quickly closed his eyes and evened his breath. He heard her coming closer and then felt a dip in the bed with a hand on his cheek. He would have stayed asleep, if he didn’t hear the slightest hitch in her breath.

He reopened his eyes. In the moonlight, his sister had looked pale, the bags under her eyes even more prominent. Her eyes were shining and Kageyama felt his own breath hitch as he realized she was crying, silent tears streaming down her face as she stared into his own eyes, the same shade of blue as hers.

“Oh Tobio…I thought I lost you y’know. And only a couple of months after we lost grandpa….” She trailed off, unable to say more.

Kageyama blinked and felt tears pool in his own eyes. He brought up his right arm and tugged her closer towards him. In the silence of the night, they had held onto each other tightly, now truly understanding that they are all the other has.

After that, when either of them had a nightmare, they would seek out the comfort of the other, which led to a lot of Miwa ending up asleep on Kageyama’s bed. Old Kageyama would have been embarrassed or annoyed, but now, he realized he always got the most peaceful sleep when he could feel assurance that he wasn’t alone.

* * *

They had settled into a routine of physiotherapy, doing work at home, and avoiding the mention of bringing people to visit. Miwa was still trying though, especially seeing as she had been receiving a call almost every other day from Kunimi, who she had given her number to when she saw him at the hospital, asking about when he can visit. Her heart broke a little more every time she had to apologize but didn’t think that forcing Tobio was what he needed right now.

Unfortunately, she was starting to get more worried about her brother. He was refusing to discuss volleyball, but on the rare moments she managed to bring it up, he always talked about when he would be back on court. She caught him looking at matches on TV and his volleyball, not with longing, but with determination. He couldn’t possibly think that he could still play? The tendons in his left knee were destroyed. Whenever she thought of bringing it up she shook her head. There was no way Tobio had deluded himself into thinking he could still play…right?

Eventually, things finally came to a head when she caught him with a volleyball in his room, moving it between his hands.

“Tobio…..what are you doing?”

“I'm making sure I don’t forget the feel of a ball. I need to be in top shape when I return on court.” Maybe it was the nonchalant way he said it. Maybe it was the fact that Miwa had just quit her dream job because she can't work from home any longer, and was unsure of what to do in the future. Maybe it was a lack of sleep. Maybe it was all three and more. Whatever it was, hearing him say that made the dam of emotions in her heart burst and break.

“What do you mean _when_? Tobio you can't play anymore! You understand that right? Please tell me you haven’t deluded yourself into thinking you can!”

“The doctors are wrong Miwa! I just need some physiotherapy when my leg gets out of the cast! Then I can play!”

“No you can't! Your knee ligaments have been fully torn! They’ll never be the same again Tobio please! You need to stop deluding yourself and grow UP!” 

“I _can_ still play! I’ll prove it to you!” Kageyama’s emotions were suffocating him. Fear began to crawl up his throat as he started to consider the possibility that Miwa may have been right all along.

He took off his knee brace and gave Miwa a look when she tried to open her mouth. His knee wasn’t that bad-he was sure of it. He swung himself over to the side of the bed and put pressure on his right leg. He took a deep breath and finally put pressure on his left leg. Even if it was in a cast, if he could just prove that his knee was okay then Miwa would have to concede.

He stood up and…..

“Tobio!” Miwa cried as she saw him collapse the instance he tried standing on his left leg. His knee buckled immediately, hurling him to the floor. Fortunately, Miwa had been expecting this and was already in position to rush over and stop him. any tirade or harsh word she wanted to say immediately evaporated when she saw the look on her brother’s face.

Miwa saw a fog lift from Kageyama’s eyes, as he finally looked properly at his broken leg and knee. “I can't play…” he said in a daze. He looked up at his sister and once he saw the tears in her eyes, realization hit him full force.

Miwa held him tight as he finally began to cry for his loss.

Stage 2) Pain and Guilt.

Now that he was finally aware of how bad the situation was, he became more aware of everything. With no hope for volleyball to distract his thoughts, his head was freer to think of other things. One day over lunch, he asked his sister:

“Not that I don’t want you here, but what about your job? You’ve been here for a while haven’t you?”

Miwa got a funny look on her face before schooling her features into a more neutral expression. “Oh my boss is really chill. I told them everything and they’re letting me complete all my work online!”

Kageyama felt like something was off, her smile felt too forced, but shrugged unable to prove that what she said was wrong.

A couple of days after he was able to remove his right leg brace, he told Miwa that if they were still interested, he’d accept to see his friends. It had been a while since the accident and while he was glad that he wasn’t in school every day, he was beginning to wish he had people other than Miwa to see. Miwa was ecstatic as she quickly left the room to call someone before coming back and telling him that Kunimi and Kindaichi would be coming to dinner.

Dinnertime came and once he heard the doorbell ring, Kageyama immediately began to regret his decision. What would they say after he had been ignoring their attempts to visit him the entire time? Would they be mad? They were probably furious at him for being useless to the team now. Kageyama’s internal monologue stopped the second they both entered the living room.

He looked up at them and saw them both staring back at him, pain filling their gazes. Kindaichi’s hand shook on the dish he was carrying before he finally put it down on the table and slowly walked over to Kageyama.

“K-Kageyama…” he whispered softly as he reached out a hand to touch him.

Kageyama’s gaze was locked onto Kindaichi’s own. Finally, after a couple of beats of silence, he nodded. That was all it took before he was all but attacked by Kindaichi who wrapped his arms around him in a hug. Kunimi took that as his cue and came from Kageyama’s other side, careful of the still injured leg. Kageyama felt something wet on his shoulder and he almost had to do a double take when he looked over and saw the normally emotionless Kunimi, crying his eyes out.

“You mean…you guys aren’t mad?”

They both pulled away at that, giving each other a look before Kunimi spoke.

“We’re furious right now. But-”

Kageyama’s heart had broken when he heard that. The guilt began to eat him alive as he tried to stutter out an apology for letting the team down. When he did, they both gave him a funny look before Kunimi rolled his eyes and continued.

“ _But_ we’re just happy to see you okay. And before you get the wrong idea, we’re not mad at you for being off the team, that would be a horrible thing to do and honestly I’m slightly insulted you’d think we’re that petty.”

“But we were starting to drift apart….and we didn’t really spend much time together anymore. I thought you guys only wanted me because of the team.”

Kindaichi shook his head quickly. “No! I mean if anything, we were probably splitting up because of the team. Our goals and stuff were becoming slightly different-but that’s a conversation for another day. We’re just mad that it took us this long to be able to get in touch with you. Your sister mentioned that your phone broke in the fall and you didn’t have a new one yet, but we thought you’d want to see us!”

“Oh.” Kageyama said. He wasn’t exactly sure how to respond to everything Kindaichi said, not while he still felt horrible for abandoning the team. Before he could respond, his sister came and announced dinner.

At dinner, the topics of conversation were much lighter, and Miwa was happy to see Kageyama smile more than he had in weeks. After dinner, the boys played some video games that Kunimi had brought over and when it was time to leave, they left with the promise of coming to visit at least twice a week.

* * *

True to their word, Kindaichi and Kunimi began to visit more often. Their visits meant that Kageyama had more company and allowed Miwa to start to slip out to deal with the next situation. Money.

Unfortunately, the money in her bank account was starting to dwindle and she needed to redouble her efforts at finding a job, while making sure that Tobio didn’t find out about this situation. He had already confessed to her, in one of their post-nightmare sessions, about some guilt over having to leave the team, that she didn’t want him to blame himself for this too.

She quickly made her way over to the latest position she was trying out for, a hairdresser in a nice salon. Thankfully, her interview coincided with Kageyama’s friends coming to help him study, so she had a few hours before they got suspicious. She paused at the entrance of the door before steeling her nerves and entering.

* * *

“Okay…that wasn’t too bad Miwa….yeahh…let’s hope for the best!” she muttered to herself as she left the interview. As she was walking by a store to pick up groceries, she came across the face of an older teenager that looked really familiar. Her suspicions that she had seen him somewhere were confirmed when once he glanced over at her, his light brown eyes widened drastically, and his hand quickly came up to run through his perfectly styled hair. Before Miwa could call out to him though, he turned around and ran back the way he came.

A week later, Miwa was out getting groceries, having been promised by Kageyama that he wouldn’t do anything reckless. She realized she forgot her phone when she reached the store, but figured it wasn’t a big deal because no one called her anyways. When she got back, she walked in with her arms laden with bags. To her surprise, Kageyama wasn’t where she left him.

“Tobio!” she called while dropping the groceries off at the couch.

“Tobio where are you!” she frowned. The bathroom was empty so she wasn’t sure what else he could be doing.

Then she walked by his room, which, strangely enough, was closed. She tried to open the door but found it locked.

“Tobio! Why is the door locked! What on earth are you doing?”

There was no verbal response, but she heard the sounds of shuffling. She began to tap her foot with impatience. “Tobio this isn’t funny! You shouldn’t have the door locked! What if you need help!”

“Why would I need help from you?”

Miwa felt her eyebrows lift. “Excuse me! What is that supposed to mean!”

“Why would I need help from a liar?”

“What are you talking about Tobio!”

She heard movement from behind the door and the jiggling of a lock. The door opened and there stood her little brother. He was in his crutches and when he stared at her, Miwa felt her heart break.

Kageyama looked at his sister who had the audacity to look confused, as if she hadn’t spent the entire time lying to him. His crutches were slipping because of his shaky grip on them but he didn’t care if he fell. It wouldn’t possibly be able to hurt more than the pain he was currently experiencing right now. His heart thudded uncomfortably in his chest as he tried to catch his breath from the sobs that were threatening to explode out of him. Finally, when Miwa said nothing, he replied to her, his voice filled with defeat and regret.

“Your phone rang. When I picked it up, it was a hair salon here saying you got a job. I didn’t know you were looking for a job! You lied to me!”

He watched his sister’s face crumble. She took a shaky breath and began to speak in slow, soothing, tones.

“Yes. I quit my job because I couldn’t stay here and work. Before you blame yourself though, I _chose_ to do that, just like I chose to stay here with you.” Miwa quickly raised her hand to stop whatever her brother was going to say.

“You’re getting better. I can leave you alone at home now, but I'm scared of leaving you alone for longer Tobio. Each night I see you falling and snapping your neck. How am I supposed to comfort myself and reassure myself that you’re alive, if I'm halfway across the country!”

Kageyama shook his head. “But you were so happy when you got the job.” He whispered brokenly.

“Yes. But this is a wonderful salon and it will give me so much good experience if I start to work there. You may have to be homeschooled for the rest of the year, but I can leave you for a few hours. Tobio please. After all this time is it so hard to believe that other people care about you?” Miwa whispered the last part so softly she didn’t think Kageyama even heard her.

But he did.

Kageyama began to sob, fat droplets falling down his face as he gasped for air. Miwa led him over to the bed and began to rub soothing circles across his back as he apologized over and over again for being a burden. With each apology she felt hear heart break a little. Maybe….maybe they should start seeing a therapist. She shook her head and pushed the thought out of her mind for now as she focused on the broken boy in front of her.

After his sobbing quieted down, Miwa gasped. “Tobio your friends are coming over in less than 10 minutes! I can call them and tell them to cancel if you aren’t feeling okay?” she looked down at her brother, who's head was now in her lap.

He shook his head. Maybe if his friends came, he’d have enough of a distraction to stop him thinking about what had just happened. Maybe the voices in his head would stop bothering him for a little while too. Miwa sighed and got up to get ready to receive guests.

Kageyama made his way over to the living room thinking about how the cast on his leg would finally be coming off next week. He heard voices and looked up expecting to see Kunimi and Kindaichi walking in with a mountain of homework. Instead he saw….

“Iwaizumi-san.” Iwaizumi was standing there, in his Seijoh gym uniform rubbing his head sheepishly. If Iwaizumi was here, then that meant….

“Oh.” Kageyama locked eyes with Oikawa when he entered the room. All of a sudden, a flood of memories pushed their way to the forefront of his mind.

_“Alright boys it’s the last couple of days of winter training camp, and we have some special guests that were able to make it for these upcoming days. Welcome your old alumni: Oikawa and Iwaizumi.” Coach stuck his hand out and beckoned the two former upperclassmen into the dining hall. Kageyama scowled from his place at the third year’s table. With Oikawa here, he was definitely going to have a hard time finding peace and quiet._

_Oh well. He’ll just avoid him._

_Avoiding did not work however, because when they had some free time, Oikawa immediately came over to where Kageyama was sitting and begged him to come with them, (them meaning him, Kunimi, Kindaichi, and iwaizumi) to some sort of rock that was apparently fun to climb. Kageyama tried saying no, after all it’s not like he was speaking much to his fellow third years these days much either, but then Oikawa had said:_

_“Oh well. Guess Tobio-chan isn’t as brave as I thought he was. This kind of attitude must be why no one likes to hang out with you.” Oikawa was about to flounce off back to the others, when Kageyama grabbed his arm and agreed to come._

_When they got to the rock formation, he wished that he hadn’t given in so easily. The rocks were steep and sharp looking, hanging over the side of a cliff. Even Iwaizumi was starting to look around nervously, wondering if they should do this._

_“Oi Trashykawa. The rocks don’t look the same as they did when we went here back in our first year of middle school. I don’t think we should do this.”_

_Oikawa ignored Iwaizumi and motioned over to Kageyama._

_“Come along now Tobio-chan! You can be the first to climb! Prove your strength and all.”_

_Kageyama knew he should have said no, even Iwaizumi was shaking his head trying to tell him no, but then Kageyama saw Kindaichi looking at him in slight awe, with less hostility than he had all year. He gulped and steeled his resolve, beginning to climb._

_It was harrowing and he had a few slips, but he finally made it to the top. He looked down and saw them all looking up at him in awe. He felt a rush coming from both the pride he felt at doing it, and the beautiful breeze on his face. He began to move and get ready to climb down when-_

_“KAGEYAMA!!”_

_“TOBIO!!”_

_Kageyama heard the voices as his foot gave out. Then he was_

_Falling_

_Falling_

_Falling._

_Pain._

Kageyama saw red. He fumbled for his crutches and made his way to Oikawa, who looked more anxious than he had ever seen him.

“You.” He jabbed a finger in his former senpai’s chest.

“This was all your fault! I never would have climbed if you didn’t suggest it!”

“W-wait Tobio-chan.” Oikawa stuttered out, not moving from his place. Kageyama cut him off before he could continue.

“No! You’re the one that ruined my life! Were you that jealous of me-that sick of me and my so-called _genius_ that you decided to just stop me from playing forever!” He shouted, no longer feeling anything except rage.

3) Anger and Bargaining.

The room was silent as Kageyama panted in place. Oikawa’s face had crumbled when Kageyama yelled out his accusation. Iwaizumi tried to step forward but before he could, Miwa had come over.

“Boys. Thank you for coming but I think it’s better if you leave. Kunimi and Kindaichi, I’ll….” She took a deep breath to calm herself. “I’ll call you boys when Tobio feels better.”

No one said anything in response, each of them too numb and lost in their own thoughts to be able to think of anything to say. Iwaizumi gently put his hand on Oikawa’s back and led him out of the house, the younger two following behind. When they left, Kageyama finally collapsed on the floor and sobbed in place, ignoring the throbbing in his knee.

Miwa looked at him carefully, and gave him a hug, trying to do all she could to ease the pain.

* * *

After the surprise visit and regaining of his memories, Kageyama’s moods became unpredictable. The constant bouncing back and forth between rage and anger, to sorrow, was becoming too much for him. Miwa had tried to convince him to see a therapist, but he refused, not wanting to feel more helpless than he already did.

Two weeks passed from the visit, and Kunimi and Kindaichi had started to grow worried. Kageyama wasn’t doing too well, according to what Miwa was willing to tell them, and neither was Oikawa. Kageyama’s accusation cut him deeply, and from what Iwaizumi had told them, Oikawa had almost completely given up on playing volleyball. Every time he picked up the ball, Kageyama’s face would appear and the guilt would crush him.

Kunimi decided that enough was enough. He waited until one day where he knew Miwa had a late shift before dragging Kindaichi and knocking on Kageyama’s door. It took a couple of minutes, but Kageyama eventually hobbled out, wearing a pair of shorts clearly highlighting his permanent knee brace.

He took one look at them and tried to close the door, but before he could do anything, Kindaichi stuck his foot into it.

“Please just let us in! It’s only us this time I promise!” Kindaichi begged.

A couple of beats passed before Kageyama sighed and left the door open, not acknowledging them as he walked inside.

Kunimi shrugged and dragged his friend in with him, knowing this was the best he was going to get. They sat in the living room and made themselves comfortable until finally:

“You need to get over yourself.” Kindaichi gaped at his blunt friend. Kageyama simply stared at Kunimi impassively, almost daring him to continue speaking.

Kunimi forged on. “What happened to you sucked, but it wasn’t purely Oikawa’s fault. I've given you two weeks to cool off but unfortunately you're ridiculously stubborn when you want to be.”

“Whatever.” Kageyama muttered. The truth of the matter was that he knew it wasn’t really Oikawa’s fault, but it was so easy to blame him-much easier than admitting that he had been the cause for his own demise.

Kunimi looked at him angrily and was about to respond when Miwa burst in the house yelling excitedly.

“Tobio! They might be able to fix your knee!”

* * *

“I can't believe you're going to do this.” Kindaichi sat on the side of Kageyama’s hospital bed nervously.

Kageyama grinned. He almost didn’t believe it when Miwa had first said it, but apparently he qualified for a new type of knee surgery and if it worked, then he would be able to play volleyball again. Kageyama asked Kindaichi and Kunimi not to tell anyone, wanting to save that bit of information for when he would eventually invite Oikawa over to apologize.

Now, a week later, they were waiting in the hospital by Kageyama’s bedside just before he would be taken under. Kindaichi was still feeling very apprehensive. The surgery had a 75% chance of success, which in his opinion was too little. Kageyama and Kunimi on the other hand, told him he needed to stop worrying so much.

Finally the nurse came and smiled at the boys. He adjusted Kageyama’s IV and gently pushed him down on the bed. After making sure he was comfortable, despite the ugly hospital gown, he told the boys to wave goodbye to their friend as he wheeled Kageyama off to get anesthesia and surgery prepped.

Kunimi and Kindaichi sighed and resigned themselves to waiting. The surgery was supposed to take three hours, with Miwa coming by once her job was over. She told them they didn’t have to wait, but they were both secretly excited to find out if Kageyama would be back on court. Whatever issues and differences they had at the beginning of the year were long gone, especially after they were reminded with how easily they almost lost their friend. Resolving to make up for lost time, two thirds of the trio got comfortable in their chairs and began the waiting game.

Eventually, Kageyama was wheeled back in. He was still unconscious, and they were told that he would probably be sleeping off the effects of the anesthesia for the rest of the evening. Kunimi and Kindaichi promised to return tomorrow to hear the results of the MRI, with the hope that they would finally hear some good news.

The next day, the four individuals waited impatiently. Miwa was playing a game on her phone while the boys were absently watching a kid show on the TV. After what felt like hours from when they had taken the MRI, Doctor Kazemaru finally walked in.

He was a professional after all, thus his face gave away no emotion and was perfectly schooled into a neutral expression. He looked around the room, noticing the cautious hope on each face, and began to feel an immense sense of déjà vu as he looked into Kageyama’s eyes.

“I’m sorry.”

4) Depression.

“Tobiooo. I made curry today! It’s in the microwave for you so make sure to heat it up. I know it’s your favorite……I’m going to go to work now Tobio……please…” Miwa trailed off as she stared at the closed door in front of her.

She shook her head sadly, knowing that it would probably be another day of uneaten food when she got back. An entire week had passed and Kageyama hadn’t left his room. She cursed herself for being so stupid sometimes, after all, she was the one that encouraged him to get the surgery. It did help….but to Kageyama, if he still couldn’t play volleyball then he may as well have not had it.

Inside his room, Kageyama ignored the beeping of his new phone. He knew it was probably one of his friends, trying to message him. he scoffed. Why do they care so much? Couldn’t they see that he truly was permanently _broken_? Who in their right mind would want to be friends with someone so….useless…?

‘You deserve all of this.’ The voice in his head began to taunt him.

‘They care now, but they won’t soon.’

‘They’ll give up in a week…I mean it’s not like you have anything to offer them anymore.’

‘isn’t it pathetic how useless you are without this sport? I mean is there nothing else in your worthless life worth doing?’

‘Ha…nice joke….’

Kageyama rubbed his eyes furiously. The voices in his head were louder than ever and he couldn’t get rid of them… no matter how hard he tried.

Sometimes…..he wished he could close his eyes and……Taptaptaptaptap.

Kageyama blinked.

Taptaptaptaptap.

Kageyama blinked again. That tapping noise wasn’t in his head. He sat up on his bed, and almost had a heart attack when he saw the one and only Oikawa Toru tapping frantically at his window.

Kageyama rolled his eyes, having half a mind to ignore him, when he noticed that it was raining outside. He sighed, crawling over to the window and opening it, allowing Oikawa to tumble very ungracefully into his room.

Oikawa looked up at Kageyama who stared back at him with a raised eyebrow.

“Tobio-chan….hi!” he tried to smile cheerfully, the forcefulness of it making it seem more like a grimace.

“Oikawa-san. What…what are you doing? Come to gloat?” Kageyama knew it was a low blow, especially when Oikawa got a pained look on his face, but he was desperate to feel something, that maybe winding up Oikawa would finally do the trick.

“Tobio-chan.” Oikawa stood to his full height, before staring Kageyama straight in the eye.

“I’m sorry. I know people say a lot of pretty fake words, but I won’t do that to you…you deserve more. Me telling you this isn’t going to magically make you feel better, I know that. But Tobio please…please try. Just…I don’t have the right to ask you to do anything but damnit it’s breaking my heart seeing you like this!” Oikawa yelled out the last part.

Kageyama stared at him. Stared at the boy who had hated him for no reason other than being talented. He searched within himself, and found that as he looked at Oikawa, who's eyes were red around the rims and breathing like he had run a marathon, Kageyama found that he couldn’t find it in him anymore to be angry….it was just too much effort.

“Oikawa-san. You don’t have to try to make it up to me. I’m not mad anymore, I mean it was partially my fault too.” Kageyama spoke softly, his voice monotone and lifeless making Oikawa’s heart clench in pain.

Before he could respond, Kageyama looked up at him, his normally bright blue eyes now dull and lifeless. That image scared Oikawa almost as much as when Kageyama had fallen off that cliff.

Kageyama spoke again. “Oikawa-san. You can go now. Please.”

Oikawa wanted to stay, but Kageyama flopped down in his bed like the strings holding him up had been cut. He decided that he may have overstayed his welcome and began to climb out the window he came in, sending one last look at the broken boy.

* * *

The next week saw Oikawa come and knock on Kageyama’s window at various times. Sometimes he would give some speech, or words of advice, and other times he just sat next to Kageyama on his bed in silence.

Finally, after an entire week of him showing up had passed, Kageyama finally asked him a question, interrupting the silence they were sitting in.

“Oikawa-san.”

“Yes Tobio-chan?”

“Why are you still coming?”

“Because I refuse to give up on you Tobio-chan. Yes I’m still trying to make up for all the mistakes I made regarding you, but also because it hurts to see someone I consider a rival like this.”

Kageyama looked up at that. “Do you mean it?” he whispered tentatively.

When Oikawa gave him a blank look, Kageyama asked again. “Am I really your rival? Even if I can't play volleyball anymore?”

Oikawa gave a watery smile and ruffled the younger boy’s hair.

“Of course you still are. Rivals aren’t limited to on the court. I’m sure I’ll still find something to beat you at. But you have to first help yourself first.”

Kageyama nodded, and to Oikawa’s surprise, he found himself attacked by the younger who was now openly sobbing into his shoulder.

He patted his back gently, looking up at Miwa watching in the door with a smile.

Part 5) The upward turn.

True to his word, Oikawa did not give up. He came by everyday even if it was only for five minutes to drop off some of Kageyama’s favorite milk. Sometimes he would come with Iwaizumi, mostly he came alone.

Eventually, Kageyama began to smile more as the mental fog began to recede. There were still more bad days than good days, but on the good days it almost felt like everything would be okay. Unfortunately, when the bad days were there, they were _really_ bad.

Miwa needed a glass of water in the middle of the night, and when she decided to sneak a peek in her brother’s room, she was immediately worried.

“Tobio! What’s going on?”

Her brother was sitting up in the dark, hands frantically grasping at his hair as he rocked himself back and forth while muttering to himself.

She walked closer and asked again. no response.

Finally, she touched his shoulder, causing him to snap out of his mental block.

“Miwa…..the voices keep me up at night…and I want them to stop!” he began to tear up as Miwa quickly sat next to him and shushed him softly.

The next morning, after a long talk, Kageyama decided that he had enough of this plateau in his life and he knew if he didn’t want to be stuck in this endless loop of grief and joy, he needed help.

6) Reconstruction and Working Through.

“I….I’m seeing a therapist.” Kageyama blurted out at the dinner table one day.

“Oh that’s wonderful news Kageyama!” Iwaizumi said brightly. He had been silently pushing for him to go see a therapist, especially after Oikawa had started seeing one after the accident. Oikawa began to jump up and down excitedly as Kunimi and Kindaichi began to grin at him with pride.

Witnessing their joy, Kageyama felt a warmth spread through his chest. He almost gasped out loud….he hadn’t felt a warmth like that since before his grandfather died. The implication made him tear up causing everyone to look at him in worry, until Kageyama was quick to assure them that these were happy tears. Needless to say, he wasn’t the only one with happy tears after that.

The school year only had a month left, and as third years Kageyama, Kindaichi, and Kunimi had to go through the arduous process of applying for high schools. This also meant doubling down on their studying to be able to pass entrance exams, a feat that was especially important to Kageyama who couldn’t rely on a sports scholarship like his friends and who had spent most of his last year of high school relying on homeschooling because he didn’t want to go back to everyone’s pitying looks.

“Yo Kageyama. Kindaichi and I decided we’re going to aim for Seijoh like Oikawa and Iwaizumi-san.” Kunimi said one day as they were taking a break from their homework.

“Oh I see.” It wasn’t a surprising decision, but Kageyama also knew that Seijoh was one of the toughest schools to enter if you didn’t have a scholarship.

“I know this means taking the entrance exams for it, but d’you think you’d like to try?” Kindaichi asked hesitantly.

Kageyama thought about it before slowly shrugging his shoulders. The worst that could happen was a rejection, and he already had some other options to go to, like Karasuno. He decided not to tell the other two though, not wanting to get their hopes up for no reason.

Finally, graduation came and went. Kageyama showed up, only for the sake of Miwa who wanted to take pictures of him. Oikawa and Iwaizumi showed up too and made sure to take plenty of pictures with all of their kouhai. They also acted like an effective shield when people kept trying to talk to Kageyama when he didn’t want them to. (Iwaizumi would throw Oikawa in their direction and drag his kouhai away until Oikawa escaped by himself.)

At the end of the day Kageyama looked at his friends and wished them all the best of luck at Seijoh, pretending not to notice the way their eyes glazed over. Miwa ruffled his hair and after one last group photo, he walked into summer vacation with a newfound resilience.

7) Acceptance and Hope.

Oikawa stood in the Seijoh gym as the new first years lined up. Iwaizumi was next to him as vice-captain, with the second and third years milling around behind them. The coaches were sitting at the back, choosing to let the students handle the new recruits.

“Alright everyone. Thank you for showing up before the first day of school even starts for morning practice/initiation. I want you to please state your name and position then we can do more introductions before we send you off to your first day.”

One by one, the first years yelled out what was asked of them. Oikawa was the captain, thus he had to try not to show favoritism by grinning too widely at Kunimi and Kindaichi, but when he saw Iwaizumi glaring at him, he figured he must've not been too successful. Finally as they finished introducing everyone to the new players and were listening to the coaches, the door to the gym burst open and a figure rushed inside.

“I’m so sorry I'm late sir!”

Coach Irihata exchanged a glance with his assistant. “No matter, son. What's your name and position?”

“Kageyama Tobio sir! I want to apply for the position of manager!”

**Author's Note:**

> Well that was a wild ride. Hope you all enjoyed reading. Please remember that you are loved and that asking for help and seeing a therapist or anything of the sort is not a sign of weakness! If anyone ever needs a stranger to talk to without fear of being judged just message me on Tumblr @ [perpetuallyc0nfused](https://perpetuallyc0nfused.tumblr.com)


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